Big Questions

Sunday night.  Many things are happening in this world of ours... It's been nearly one year (almost to the day) of my last entry.  Truthfully, I've been thinking about blogging again for a while, a long while.  I need to get back to my thoughts in a manner that takes some time, a little creativity, and a smidge of accountability.  I have yet to get to any of those...  err, make myself try any of those... until right now. 

Important moment here that might get lost...  in my brain, in this overcomplicated world, in this fast-fast-hurry-up-and-wait instant social media world... 

I put Zoey to bed (late because we got home late from Sun Valley and still gave her a bath)....
We did our nightly bedtime routine, minus Daddy's part since he is out of town....
I sat down at the computer to pay bills...
She asked me to come back...

Sweet Zoey, six years old, is obviously tired and over-thinking (a family trait)...
She asks me, "When will the world end?"
Followed by "When everybody goes to heaven, what happens here?"
....
I guess I told her I wasn't really sure....

Zoey: "Like will it all be dust here?"

oh boy.... 

If John were here I'm pretty sure he'd have a much more refined response.  At least he would say it with confidence.  He's good with heavy things... 

We talked about a few little things (me, not wanting to dismiss her, but truthfully not wanting to make anything too concrete because I just don't know...and that's ok...) BUT I also realize she just needs her mind eased to let herself go to sleep.

We talk of love and beauty.  Friends and family.  What we like to do.  Finding our purpose (like the Cutie Mark Crusaders)... and how this world and heaven are both awesome places.  Nothing too intense...  I lightened up the mood with talking about what we might do tomorrow  (Visit the airport! she said.  I added eat lunch there and watch for planes - they usually land around lunchtime.  She made sure to tell me if she didn't like the food...  we'd just try something else.)

All of this in less than 10 minutes....  But I can't stop thinking about it. 

Her mind is amazing! 

And, personally....selfishly, all of the fears of parenting surface:  Am I doing enough for her?  Spending enough time?  Quality time?  Am I managing my own stress away from her?  Am I too much involved?  Where is the balance?  I know she feels love.  Is that enough?

I just need to take my own advice and...  stop over thinking. 

Big questions. 
Simple enough answer...  go to bed. 


but there are still those pesky bills to pay....  ;)

On school and parties and time.

It's Wednesday.  Mid week.  Hump Day. 

Today was harder than ever to drop Zoey off at school.  Day 4.  I hugged her at the door and didn't go in.  She looked back three times before walking around the corner... away.  Away into a classroom full of other kids.  Normal kids, I'm sure.  Kids and a surely sweet teacher.  Also to the boy who sits right next to her and has been put on "yellow" every single day.  All three days prior of school.  He talks and makes noises all through class.  Zoey told John that he pulled on her braid in line.  He's just a typical kid.  A typical boy - raised by douche bags, I'm sure.  It's not the kid's fault that he is a jerk...  nope, it's the parents fault.  And the "system" too.  What ornery little boy needs to be kept quiet and sit still for SEVEN hours a day, five days a week?!? 

....
As we were walking to school this morning, before we had gotten very far past our driveway, Zoey said she didn't want to go to school.  This is the second morning of that statement....  sure, I expect to hear that from teens, but my sweet little five year old that likes her teacher?!  She likes to play on the playground and liked to see the music teacher play the keyboard. 

But she said to me...  why does it take so long?  Why can't we work and do this and work and do that and then come home?  Not work, work, work, WORK?!

I really didn't know what to say.  She shouldn't have to WORK WORK WORK all day at five years old.  She should have to WORK some and play some and run around a lot!  In a SEVEN hour day, she gets two 15 minute recesses and one 30 minute lunch.  One hour to not have to be "on" in school.  And even in that time, a kid still has to think about where things are, how things work, who everybody is around her....  whether or not she's going to get in trouble for some other kid's actions!  This is ridiculous!!

AND to top it all off....  I see on instagram.  (Yes, I finally went back online to look at pictures.) I see pictures of her little friends from preschool having a grand ole time at a birthday party LAST NIGHT!!  These are kids that surely would have invited Zoey... and they did.  via FACEBOOK!  WHAT?!  I'm not on facebook anymore.  I haven't looked at that blasted crap for THREE months!  But I ran to pull it up this morning.  There is was... a photo of a printed invitation.  Posted on my wall five days ago.  Within those past five days, I have seen one of the moms hosting walking her kid to school two times!  No word - barely a hello.  (Which was understandable at the time because we were all emotional or running late or whatever...  but still not even a mention?!)  I learned after Zoey's birthday that no one RSVPs anymore.  So, me not responding to the "invitation" isn't unheard of... Which is totally awful, in my opinion.  TELL people what's going on!  RESPOND, people!  Why no follow up call or text if you really don't want to have to talk to me?  What happened to real invitations?  Is it the expense?  I get that.  Why spend money on cards?  Spend that on the party.  I get it, but seriously...  Five days notice online - when for Zoey's birthday the same Moms told me they "don't do facebook that much" when asked why I hadn't heard from them (and yes, I DID send real paper snail mail invitations too!) 

Now in the grand scheme of things... WHO CARES!?!  Well, I DO!  I care that my kid will hear and see all of her friends talking about a party she didn't "get" to go to.  A party for girls that she LOVES.  Girls that she walks hand-in-hand with from school. 

I cried.  I cried more thinking about that than her words this morning about school.  Although I suppose it all goes together in my mind.  ...

Only getting to see my little girl for four hours a day (plus one in the morning).  Five hours total of her awake.  a. day.  and when she comes home from school - she's happy to see me, yes, but exhausted.  And then we have to work in dinner, homework, a bath, and try to find some time to play.  She MISSES playing.  really.

John had a plan to have a pony pizza party last night.  We ordered pizza and sat on the floor while playing with her my little ponies.  She needed it.  We all did.  Just time to do what she used to do for hours everyday. 

....
When we looked into homeschooling in the spring, the major thing that jumped out to me was the fact a homeschooled child only needs six hours of actual educational time per week....  SIX hours!  That's less than ONE day of public school.... You know why?  Because if a child is being taught at home there are less distractions.  Less time teaching to the lowest common denominator!  Less time "training" kids how to "fit in." 

"Socialization"  my ASS!  My beautiful girl is well spoken.  She interacts well with other kids!  She knows how to play.  Why do I need to throw her to the wolves of public education in order for me to be a "good" mom or for her to be a "normal" kid?!  This is BULLSHIT!

But, truthfully, I'm scared.  Scared that I can't do it.  That I will screw her up.  Scared that I won't have time for myself and therefore be on edge or mean with her.  But at what expense?  At WHO's expense?

There has got to be a better way.

Dinner at Singing Frog Farm

Over the weekend we visited some very good friends of ours...  they live on a beautiful farm.  Singing Frog Farm.  They do actually farm the land.  In a big way...  organic and non-GMO veggies and herbs and corn galore!  and FLOWERS... oh, the flowers.  You could say Caroline is a florist, but that would be like calling Julia Child a cook or VanGogh a painter...  all true, but not give you the feeling or style. 

Dinner was fantastic!  We ate and talked and laughed as family.  Seating arraignments around the table changed over and over again at the whims of children.  I ate my body weight in tomatoes.  (As any good WV girl would!)

We were having such a good time, I didn't even think to pull out my phone/camera to document the gorgeous scene.  That is until after dinner... as Caroline and I were cleaning up, (as best I could with a bum back - on the road to fast recovery now, thanks to more friends... chiropractic friends!), the husbands and kids had retreated to the beauty of the pond.  Joe came running inside... in all of his first grade grown-upness... "Zoey caught a FISH!"

Holy Cow!  WHAT?!?

Sure enough, my little wonder had caught her first fish!  A blue gill, I think they called it.  It was pretty cool to say the least.

I don't think I've ever been fishing.  I remember casting at Maple Lake.  No hooks.  No bait.  No idea what I was doing. 

So I began to take camera pictures.  As I have said many times before - I'm not a photographer nor do I claim to be one...  But I am happy to catch life's little moments. 

As we stood there and talked and took pictures, Zoey caught ANOTHER fish!  Two fish in less than 10 minutes.  Aaaaand, Caroline brought out fresh peaches and cream to enjoy by the lake!

Brian with Zoey's second fish.

Heaven... 

I have been blessed to have great friends in my life.  As I grow up, I am ever more grateful.  Truly grateful. 



Evan is full of spunk!

Joe is a pro fisherman.
He gave his life vest to Zoey for the night.

What a HAM!  :)

Swinging under the giant tree.

The blondies after dessert!

kindergarten.

9:43 a.m.  :44

 

Time is going.  The day is here.  Today is Zoey's first day of Kindergarten.

  

To say I have mixed emotions is the lamest thing ever.  And totally an understatement.  "Mixed" "Bittersweet" "Conflicted" none capture this twisting in my heart.  This scattering in my brain.  This pit in my stomach.  And, now, piercing pain in my lower back... (however that could simply be my bad desk chair.) ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know I'm not the first or last mother to have an only child that I send off to school.  Right or wrong, I'm not the first or last to have stayed at home and "helicopter" parented for 5 years.  And I know I'm not the first to have considered homeschooling.  But I am me.  This is my blog and my feelings. 

 

I am the first and only me...with the first and only Zoey, a tall child with bright blonde hair and beaming blue eyes.  A child with an impeccable memory.  An empathic being with razor sharp wit.  Zoey is a little girl with an old soul.  She is outgoing and shy all wrapped into one.  She's a five year old with comedic timing and a temper. 

 

Now she's off to school.  A rite of passage in this community.  Smiles all around as we walked to school this morning.

 

Walked.  Down the hill and around the corner.  All of ten minutes at most.  She assured me that as she got older, and as her legs got longer, she will walk faster.  I'm sure she heard me mention that to someone over the summer as we did a trial run of our soon-to-be ritual morning.  I said it only as a cute aside to another adult... How her little legs only go so fast. Precious to me.  I fear she thought that she just didn't have it - wasn't right in some way.  Wasn't big enough or fast enough.  I certainly hope not. 

 

These days she's constantly standing on chairs and things asking how long til she will be "this tall" or "that tall."  We try to guess...  "I think you'll be 8 when you are this tall."  "You might be 14 when you are this tall."  All the while reassuring her (and myself) that the height she is now is perfect.  That she is already TALL.  That she is growing everyday and to enjoy being "this tall" right now.

 

The flowers on our way to school. 
"Look Zoey, purple flowers just for you!"

My sweet tall girl walked confidently to school today.  We passed by a lot of people stopping to say Hi and good luck.  Most thought today was her second day...  they did a staggered start for the Kindergarten classes and she is the second half of the alphabet.  I don't know whether it took the pressure off or not?!  She didn't really know the difference, but I got a buffer from the massive onslaught of kids returning to school.  That and being off of Facebook recently has kept me away from others retellings...  good or bad?!  I don't know.

 

John and I met with her teacher briefly on Tuesday night.  She seems like a very nice lady.  Been teaching for 10 years or so.  Has kids of her own at the school. 

 

The side entrance to school.

Her coat hook and her cubby off to the left behind her.

 

 

The school itself is old and hot and muggy.  John went to the same school 30 years ago.  The lady Zoey will have next year will be the same one John had for first grade (her last year before retirement).  I think everyone is doing the best with what they have, but I can't help think there has to be a better way.  This thought, alongside the idea of having time for myself while she is at school, is what makes my stomach knot up.  Why can I not be able to achieve both: 1. a quality education in an environment where students are comfortable and taught valuable lessons in more than reading and basic math and the ever thrown around "socialization" 2. a time/schedule where I can pursue avenues to keep my mind and heart thriving...?! 

 

I suppose that is what keeps parents moving forward...  actively seeking the best for all involved. 

 

I know Zoey will love school.  I know she will learn.  I know John and I will encourage her and supplement her education/life long learning.  I know that she will develop into her own little person - in a good way.  I know I will find a path of my own that includes all aspects of the massive spinning thoughts in my head.  I know this...  simply because I have to.  That and I have faith. 

 

"Faith," said my friend Christine, "that you've given her the best start you could have and that she'll flourish with the skills and love that have been her foundation."

 



The familiar nervous, but ok, look on her sweet little face. 



 Back at home:

We told Zoey that she couldn't take Bunny to Kindergarten.  We have told her this from the beginning.  She understands, but wanted to make sure Bunny was well set at home.  At HIS school.... So yesterday we made Bunny a school in her room.

 

She added the toys in the window sill just before we left the house....

 

 When she woke up I heard her explaining to her animals that they couldn't go with her to school.  "Because toys aren't allowed at school."  But she reassured them they would be fine and had jobs to do here.  Cat in the Hat is the teacher today. 

 

The light in the middle is to help tell spooky ghost stories at school.
The Pink hippo in the back is to help talk about animals.
There is also a chalkboard and a playground. 

*As always, Bunny is dressed in his day clothes and shoes.  (Aunt Tracy, the orange sweater is only for pajamas these days.)  ;) 

Morning Sweetie!

Breakfast time.  We all have colds.  I was assured we merely had "allergies"...  I knew better.  These colds, however, aren't slowing us down (much).

I ripped some trim off of a wall in the kitchen last night.  John helped me with the stubborn base board... as it looks like the previous owners of this house laid the laminate flooring around the trim?!?  What the what?!  It should be fine.  I'll have to get creative later once I get my geekdom up on the wall.  More on that when it's done.  "Spoilers..."

We have two and a half weeks until Zoey enters Kindergarten.  On one hand I want to cram in as much "fun" as possible.  On the other I can't help but dream a little about the things I'll be able to do with my time.  my time. 

...

So, I started this post a day or so ago...  what, what!  I got side-tracked.  That happens here.  I thought about just posting it (backdated)...  but why not keep it "real" here, folks?!?

The colds have EXPLODED!  ugh.  At least mine has...  Zoey is doing well.  Not even much of a sniffle or cough.  That gives me hope.  John's symptoms are harder to read...  he hides his colds behind a stoic face and booze.  (Which, quite frankly, is why I think he usually gets bronchitis that lasts for weeks-even months.) 

I tend to moan and sit mouth gaping open (because I can't breath through my stuffed large proboscis).  Yesterday, however, I ran the gamut of sick parent emotions... Guilt was the major offender in my brain.  Guilt that I wasn't playing. Guilt that I was sick and wasn't playing but my mind was overwhelmed by the thoughts of CLEANING or sorting or "getting something done."  Ironically, Crinklehead is starting her annual weird old cat sickness phase and Zoey and I both stepped over cat puke for a majority of the day.  I finally broke down and cleaned it up after spotting a second pile.  blech. 

We did play some, too, so I can still fly my MOM flag high...  ;)  Zoey drove her Barbie car all over the yard (then driveway after the rain).  We watched the rain.  We even stood out in it - until the lightning got a bit too close.  I did clean some too.   Top of the refrigerator, anyone?!  I thought all those booze bottles were annoyingly clanging together via the vibrating a/c.  Turns out, the annoying clanging sounds are simply the a/c vibrating...  the WHOLE HOUSE.  oh boy. 

I refuse to let this strange summer sickness steal my weekend.  Mom is coming to town today to see us and the American Queen.  John has confirmed that it is indeed in town.  I have downed handfuls of vitamins, immune "fizzy drinks" (Yes, that's what the box says.)  and have even considered real cold medicine.  Right now, I see a light on the horizon...

T-minus 15 days until Kindergarten.  . . .  

Time to shower.  Let's rock this day.

If only I had seen this 42 days ago...

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/573935592/were-putting-a-tardis-into-orbit-really

**Dad would have loved this too. 

**Yes, Seesta, the 42 is for you!  Even though I picked it before I realized that...  it's 41 days, plus one for good measure and taking time for me to decide whether I wanted the t-shirt or blueprint or both or what!  It does take me time to figure these things out.  MAN, I wish I had found this earlier!!!   (Happy Birthday, B-T-dubs.  Love you!)

August

the first.  The First.  THE FIRST! 

Yep, it is now the first day of August.  How can this be?  Time keeps passing...  I haven't written on this ol blog in so long...I almost forget how to do.  HOW to write.  HOW to get it all down on the screen....

Zoey is playing with the kids next door.  I have just enough time to grab a shower and get moving.  But instead I balance my checkbook, I read the internet, I stay OFF Facebook...  I decide to blog.  My mind is racing faster than my fingers can type. I'm out of practice.  I can't handle my morning cuppa joe as well in the mornings...  shaky fingers.  Running mind. 

August.

What will it be?  What will it bring?  The last 22 days of no school.  The last weeks of summer (oh, I'm looking forward to FALL!)  Perhaps a pool day or two?  Perhaps more glasses of iced tea with friends.  Hopefully more dinners and drinks with my pals.  And yes, hopefully, really good memories made with Zoey.  Every moment is a memory to someone, right?!  She seems to remember everything... 

The American Queen is coming to town on August 8th.  That's a Thursday.  If anyone out there (ahem... Mom) would like to come and stay at the Manor on Wednesday to get up and see her in the morning downtown, I highly recommend it.  We missed her first go through earlier this week. But it is surely a sight to see.  ...driving down Front Street and BAM a giant "building" is at the end of the road.  There is sure to be a great view from John's new office window too.

It's time to shower and make lunches (packable this day... as we are heading to the playground with said neighbor kids).  The kiddos only come to town so often and this may very well be the last time before school.... and then who knows how that will go. 

Much love. xox

Here's a photo of our trip to Morgantown on Monday.  Zoey and Bunny at Atomic Grill.  It's an unedited photo from my phone, but I think that's how I'll roll at least until school starts... ;)  My baby is growing up.  She's awesome.  :)  xo

Quotable

"When me and my mom have a baby, I'm gonna be a big sister." -Zoey

Evidentally she said this to John just now...  while they were outside.  She's picking freshly sprouted blooms.  He's prepping the grill.  (He came in to tell me...  "This is a very quotable zoey blog post.")

I suppose this stems from past conversations about siblings and such.  Plus the fact that she wanted to dress up her teddy bear in clothes this afternoon...  so we opened up a box of her old baby clothes in the basement.  Looking at even the tiniest share of what I have held onto... it simply floods my mind.  

Headband.

It's a beautiful sunnny day here at the manor... and I'm sitting  inside at the computer.  WHAT?  Yes.  It's Monday.  I told myself I will take this precious time (while Z is at school - the precious 2.5 hours) and pay bills, do laundry, etc. etc.  And I am.  Bills- Check!  Laundry - in process - check!

I have the windows open (40 degrees, yo! Spring is coming!)

I have Pandora blarring.

But I had to take this minute to update...  remember... make a mental (and now forever, electronic) note.

"Look what my Mom made for me!"

...said Zoey as she climbed out of the car today in front of the preschool.  She was showing her friends and her teacher the Hello Kitty headband that I "made."  She continued to explain and show... very proudly. 

It's simple, really.  We have been recycling the little HK bow that came on a headband that Gma Pat gave her a few weeks ago.  Each time the little plastic band breaks, we move the bow to a new headband.  This morning it happend again...  stuck in her long hair.  frustrated.  pulling.  SNAP!

It was her idea this time to improve the purple sparkly one that I had bought her for valentine's day...  the one that she has never worn because - DUH - there's no Hello Kitty (or Barbie or Dora or Minnie Mouse or any of the things she likes or could like).  Bingo.

Except this time it wasn't simply adding the bow... we had to take off my original super glue fix of before - disassemble said purple sparkly one...  swap Miss Kitty...  find new ribbon... yadda yadda.  Nothing too major, really.  But she watched me this morning and evidentally it made an impact.

This time I made the headband.  Made it for her. 

Yes, it really is the little things in life.  Not even the headband.  ...

Her voice.
Her words.  Her words strung together in her own way. 
Her own thoughts.
Our time together.

Sometimes I fear getting caught up in the laundry.  the bills. sweeping. cleaning. text messages. dinner making.  altogether doing.  day in and out.

I fear she feels that we aren't really spending time together.  I fear the time eating lunch together watching Sid, the Science Kid isn't quality.  That building puzzles on the floor isn't as creative as when she builds amazing forts in the front room with her dad. 

Or worse, that the times when I yell or get frustrated will be sealed into her memory far longer than the cuddles at bedtime. 

And then I take a damn mintue and listen to her.  watch her. 

It's all beautiful.  It's all ok. 

...

John and I went to a big fancy event on Saturday....  it was really nice.  I hope to write about it - get back at this thing.... as it feels good to write again... 

Anyhoo, at the event, someone asked me what I was up to these days... what I did now... as we hadn't really talked in years. 

"I'm at home," I said. 

"Good for you," he said.  And I really think he meant it.  His working wife and mother of their two kids standing right next to me. 

And then he proceeded to tell me that if I ever wanted to do anything besides "be just a mom" I could call him for x, y, z... work.  Quickly covering his ass about "well, not just a mom..." and so on.  This exact thing has happened a few times in the last four and a half years.  This time, however, I'm pretty sure was the first time I had no desire to be more than "just a mom."

Just as my baby is transforming into a free-thinking, lovable person of the exterior world at large.

Just as I am allowing myself to accept the flowing praise of my husband and partner.

Just as I can really see the results of the work that I do. 

It's a constant struggle in my own mind - mom, wife, college grad, artist, perfectionist, designer, writer, procrastinator, serial volunteer, and on and on... 

The one thing I am not... a race car driver.  Time to go to school for pick up.  ;) 

and that's ok

While watching a Super Why episode where Pig is upset because he is different from his friends... "Look.  Person, person, person... pig.  I'm different." he says.

Zoey says, "When I see someone different, like Daniel Tiger - he's a tiger - I say that's ok."

Yes. That's ok.  :)

Zoey's phone calls

"Hello..."

Because I took this video on my phone and the file is too big to download directly...  see Zoey on YouTube! 

This is us preparing for Fourth Christmas here at the Manor.  Zoey was calling her friends and family in order to get dinner planned. (I figure.)  She called many people that day.  I even took a video of another few calls, but this one is the best!  I simply LOVE this kid and her imagination!

Enjoy!  (Video from early January 2013)

**Evidentally, I shush her and turn my back when I'm on the phone...  "Monkey see, monkey do!"  oops! 

The question.

Tonight after Zoey's bath, prayers, and another chapter from "Adventure Cat goes to School,"  the kitties curled up on her bed with us and we just lying there.  Talking some...  about our kitties.  About other kitties.  About our day at Grandma's for our third of four Christmases this year.  About how we must smell like Calico (the cat at Grandma's).  She told me about playing with Delia and Calico in Grandpa Stan's room.

Then it happened.

She asked the question I can't answer.

"Where is Grandpa Stan?  I haven't seen him in a long time."

I felt like I was kicked in the gut.  Literally...  My gut sank in.  The tears welled up.

"Well..."  I said.  (Thoughts about ...he was sick...  he died...  no, no, that's not it...  ummm...  ummm... She's four.  Don't scare her.)

"Do your teachers talk about heaven in school?"  (Of course they do...  they had a birthday party for Jesus the week before Christmas....)

"Yes," she said.

"What do they tell you?"  and she proceeded to sign and sing a song about heaven.  She showed me the signs.

I could have left it at that...  not really answering her...  but I couldn't.

"Well, that's where Grandpa Stan is...  in heaven."

"Why?" she said...

(Oh boy...)

"Because it was his time to go be with God,"  I said through the tears - trying to hold myself together.

Then we continued to talk about it...  sort of.

I said I missed him and asked if she missed him.  She said No.  That she was happy he was with God and wondered if he was a "siple"...

"A disciple?" I asked.  And she proceeded to sing another song - that I'm not so sure she was sure of the words.... because I couldn't quite catch them.

She asked about my tears.  I really couldn't say much.  Just tried to make it through...  not get too blubbery and hoped not to get her crying.  (She tends to cry whenever I do.)

But she didn't cry.

We just kinda layed there, next to each other...  with the kitties. 

I'm not so good with this stuff...  not good with death or religion or anything. 

But thinking back on this...  I am simply in awe of my sweet little girl.  Four and a half years old...  she remembers so much.  She feels so much.  Is so loving and kind.  so sweet. 

Through the tears, I am blessed.

Daddy, I love you.  I miss you.  You are forever with us. 

From the "vault"...

I found this post in one of those random un-published, un-finished, folders...  I think I was hoping to add photos or something. Most likely I was trying to organize thoughts about how awesome my Mom is and it turned into another step-by-step of my day.  Someday I'll figure out how to get my creative sentence structures back again...  one day, when I make cohesive thoughts a priority over cleaning up the kitchen....   Instead of trying to redo my original ideas, I'll just post what I found.  :)



"If I could turn back time...."  Cher.  There you go.  Song bombed.

We turned our clocks back this morning.  So, Zoey woke up at the same time, but then we had breakfast an hour early!  See how that works!?!

It's another November day.  A day to be thankful.  I am feeling thankful.  Thankful for my Mom.  She came to see us yesterday.  She came to town and we stimulated the economy.  She stimulated it much more than I did.  :)  But it was all for sweet Zoey.  We finally got Zoey a big girl bed.  Really big.  Not like REALLY big.  But bigger than I had originally intended.  After delivery tomorrow, Zoey will have a full size bed.  John and I talked about getting a bigger one because... well, he's so freaked that she'll fall out (he'd keep her locked up in her crib until she had to sleep in the fetal position, if he could).  But I finally caved when talking about me laying down with her.  Yep, when she's sick, she likes someone to stay with her.  She refuses to sleep in our bed, so John either sleeps on the floor or I take her out to the living room and we squish the couches together.  This way, the bed is big enough for me, but not nearly long enough for me to get any ideas about just falling asleep while reading her stories...  ;)

My mom was generous enough to extend her original offer of a twin bed into a full.  She's awesome like that. 

Generosity and Gratitude

It's November.... 

It seems hard to believe that autumn has come and delivered the most glorious displays of fall color that I have ever seen.  Truly.  Perhaps I have seen them before - bright oranges, yellows, firey reds... but this season, I experienced them.  I saw them with delight and surprise.  I pointed them out to Zoey.  She pointed them out to me.  "Look at that one!" "Sooo pretty!"

That and autumn has seemed to rush on through....  School days, playdates, lunches, coffee talks with friends...  Working, volunteering...  Family trips, anniversaries, milestones, birthdays, and Halloween... I didn't post a single thing in October.  And here it is November...

This morning I wrote a thank you note to a man and his son for contributing to the fundraiser I started last year.  This year we spent September raising funds to put shoes on kids' feet here in this county.  This man, a dentist, was told about the program by one of our members and he said he'd think about a donation.  That night he went home and his teenage son asked about getting a new pair of shoes for cross country.  The dentist told his son that if he was willing to put $60 of his own money towards the shoes, he'd donate it to our cause and buy the kid his shoes.  He did.

Now, I don't know this man or his son...  but I must say it was so nice to get that $60 check in the mail.  See, $60 is worth two shoe tags - two pairs of shoes for two kids.  That teen - that dentist's son, who probably doesn't have a monetary need in this world, had a conversation with his dad about giving.  That's where it all starts... a conversation.  My hope is that this young kid will grow up with a place in his heart that is compassionate... not just because he gave $60 toward his own cross country shoes... but because he was given the chance to think about someone else. 

And that's where I'll start this month of gratitude...  I'm thankful for the opportunity to get out in our community and talk with people.  It's not about raising money or even helping out people... For me, it's creating a conversation - this time it happened to be about generosity straight up.  Usually, it's much more basic than that. 

"Imma Statue!"

Late August 2012.  Ice Cream by the Levee... sort of.

Did you know that it is really hard to get a tasty creamy treat at one of the most popular touristy areas in this town in the evening?!  It shouldn't be. But it is.  Really. 

*I'm interested in redoing this here blog...but I'm running into many problems... time is only one of them.  Photo space is the biggest.  really?!  And the "help" sections are not any... help.  So, bloggers of note and family, what can I do?  Anyone want to pay to have this thing printed into a book and I'll start over?

I didn't think so....

More exploring to come....  sometime.  I hope.  :)

perception

This photo was taken almost exactly one month ago.  We were actually playing and having a good, funny time.  Both of us making weirdo faces....  But looking at this picture today, you wouldn't know we were foolin' around.

I feel pretty much like this picture today.  At least like how this picture looks.

First Day of Preschool

 

The day has finally come.  Preschool.  Sweet Zoey is four years old and currently at her first day of preschool. 

 

She woke up early and was dressed and ready to go (complete with backpack on) before 8 a.m.  She was none too pleased that she had to wait four and a half hours!!  :)  We ate breakfast.  Watched a little TV.  Then daddy came back home to surprise her with a little gift.

 

A Princess balloon that says "Daring to Dream" and a little Boots.

John had to take his Dad to Columbus for an appointment and I think he was feeling a bit upset that he'd miss this big milestone. 

 

In order to take up some time, Zoey and I ran a few errands in town (pay the cell bill, grab a smoothie).  When we came home it was time for PBSkids' newest cartoon.  Daniel Tiger's neighborhood.  Yep, Mr. Roger is back in a bit of a different way.... Between phone calls and whatnot, I missed parts of it.  :(  But what I did see...  "Daniel goes to School"  made me well up inside.  Daniel and his friends...  Did you know Lady Elaine grew up and had a daughter named Miss Alaina (sp?)?!  the King is back... and owl too...  The trolley takes the characters around.  The song is what hit home.  ... a bit different...  but Daniel does take off his shoes.....  ::sniff, sniff::

 

We've been looking at Daniel on the internet for some time now, but I never let it sink in how much the story is the same.  Times change, but things basically remain the same....  I'm pretty sure the real Mr. McFeely does the voice at the end....  :)

 

But back to reality...  current reality.  

 

Grandma Joyce stopped by after lunch to say hi and wish Zoey well.  I tried to take some pictures - knowing I wouldn't be able to force myself into the classroom (yes, the teachers allowed parents in... but I didn't want to be 'that' parent... even though I probably should have.  Zoey wouldn't even have noticed and I would have had better pictures.)  I would have liked to have seen where her backpack is hung. ;)

 

The pictures I did get...  well, they are very much Zoey!

 

She said the sun was too bright...  that and she's just not interested in photos.  ;)

The cat looking on....

Hello Kitty and some puffy paint (found in a cabinet somehwere) do just the trick.



Waiting.  This preschool has a very elaborate system of pick up and drop off.  I'm told it streamlines everything once people get used to it.  That and the parking lot is TINY.  :)  Zoey's room is in the basement of the church - off to the right.  See...  Zoey is my lucky number 7!  :)



My sweet girl.  In the car as we waited. 

Zoey was so excited!  She had that calm sense about her, however.  She was determined to show her teacher the Boots toy - I told her she could show it, but leave him in the car...  no toys at school (until show and tell).  "Your school has its own toys - special school toys."  But... Bunny Bun Bun still played stowaway in her backpack...  I'm hoping the teachers leave him in there!  :)  **I'll have to remember to check and make sure he gets home tonight!!

Zoey was so ready.  She got out of the car so fast that I had to remind her to take her backpack... 

:::Now, my nose starts to crinkle/itch... my eyes turn a bit foggy.... as I think, I didn't get to give her a hug.  :(  She was out the door and running...  I had to drive around the corner and across the way to find a damn parking space - in the grass....  by the time I made it back to her classroom, she was seated and playing....


 She's my big girl now. 

 There were many parents and even a Grandma taking pictures - crying.  I tried to grab some shots as she hung her name up on the door...  but everything was blurry.  Her little body hidden around doors, other people.  I never did get to see her name, her backpack...  I don't even know if the teachers found her family photo in her folder.  (Her first "assignment" was to bring a family picture to class...  In true family tradition, we waited until last night to take a picture... in bad light...  with no thought to makeup on Mama, or fancy clothes on any of us...  perfect none the less!  Just us.)

She was so ready.  I know John and I have done a good job preparing her for this next step... 

But, selfishly, I haven't done a thing to prepare myself...  Case in point...  I've been craving TIME.  Time for myself.  Time to get things "done."  Time to be a person - not just a mom or wife.  And what have I done on this my first hours away....  carpel tunnel's got nothing on my computered arms and crooked back!  HA! 

I have about one hour until pick up now...  and still so many options.... I haven't a clue where to start looking for ME.  Perhaps I'll tackle that tomorrow.

"What ELSE makes you happy?"

What a question!

Last night (aka early this morning - like 6 a.m.) Zoey woke up with a tummy ache... and the wee poops.  Digging out the ol' Elmo toilet seat cover, a short time in our bed, a short time with Daddy on the floor in her room, and finally (most likely NOT sleeping) on the couch with  Daddy... she's ok this breakfast time.  Watching Netflix cartoons.  She told me she wasn't feeling well last night, but now she's good.  I said, "That makes me so HAPPY!"  She said, "What else makes you happy?"

And we started to list things that make us happy....  I thought this was a perfect opportunity to write a few down (just my own, because she's now too busy eating cereal and running in place with "Bo on the Go."  A multi-tasker, indeed.)

Hugs from Zoey
Kisses from Daddy
A good cup of coffee
A deep breath of fresh smelling air
The sunshine on a cool day
Fiestaware big handled mugs
Homegrown WV tomatoes
Creating some art that comes out remotely like I had intended...or better
Being in a theatre
Lunchdates with Zoey
Dinnerdates with John
Planning a party
Going to someone else's party
Getting an unexpected letter in the mail
Feeling that my house is clean
This precious being:

and more....

What makes you happy...  right now?!

Nine days...

Nine...  Nine...  days...

Depending on how you count.... my sweet baby girl will be FOUR years old in nine days. 

...Deep breath...

Time has been slowly creeping up on me.  Zoey and I have been discussing her birthday, her party, her cake, her day for months.  Literally.  I think she was planning her Spiderman party before Christmas.  Now, we are nine days away.  I have yet to purchase anything. (Besides the Spiderman masks to use as party favors.) Yet to plan anything -officially.  Did I mention she doesn't want a Spiderman party anymore?!  Oh yeah...  it was bubbles and Dora and Mona Lisa and this and that and back to Bubbles.  I learned my lesson and didn't buy anything else.  :)  But I'm totally cool with that. 

Really I was hoping she'd go back to the Mona Lisa idea.  I mean, really, how freaking COOL would that be!?! I had great plans for THAT in my head. :)  Now that reality has set in...  only days away...  it's best that she has settled on Bubbles.  Easy peasy and not expensive.  Thankfully.

BUBBLES!!

Now, to get my act in gear....  cake.  balloons (she LOVES balloons).  aaaaand a PLAN.

...

In all honesty, I don't think I ever thought about what kind of a party-throwing Mom I would be.  Does that make sense?  In my mind, I have great plans for all kinds of parties.  I have great and grand ideas!  Invitations, games, themes, color, foods, people, places, and things!!  But when the time comes (for any great gathering - not just birthday parties), I get stuck in the details... the cash flow...  Is it laziness?  Is it fear of failure (to meet my own expectations)?  Does the time roll around and I think....  "do we really NEED this?"

I really don't know.....  but here it is... days away.

I suppose I'm lucky right now...  Zoey will be happy with just about anything.  I don't want that to become somekind of excuse either.  ...She deserves to have a special day.  But just what exactly makes it special....?! 

Hmmmm....  A "party" day filled with love and good cheer!  or two or three days....  ;) 

....Oh and let's see...  there's that whole MOVIE thing I promised myself I'd do every year....  TIME. TIME. 

get on it, mama!

**Update:  After writing this I started to sort the photos for Zoey's movie (it is naptime after all...)  I realized I never posted pictures of her 3rd bday party!  It took me weeks to get her movie together last year too.  Last summer was full of sorrows as well as joys...  Here's to sorting through it all... and not crying (too much). 

Hopscotch and Snails and Frosty!

I sat down here this morning to put up a photo for Friday's {This Moment}....but I just couldn't resist adding a few more!

On Wednesday evening, John was working late and Zoey and I decided to play with sidewalk chalk while we waited for him to come home after dinner. 

We started with Hopscotch (Zoey's wonderful idea!).

I think this one would have made it as the {This Moment}...  had I made myself choose.  ;)

Yes, that is my little one's handwriting.  LEFT handed handwriting.  We started at 10 and worked our way back.  She did all of the big numbers.  I only put the small ones in once she tried (or asked first).  That number 1 is all her idea (with the little tip on top)!  We have worked on letters and counting numbers, but it never dawned on me that we really haven't written out the numbers much...  hmmm...  that'll come.

Speaking of schooly-type things...  Have I mentioned that we picked a PRESCHOOL?!?  Oh boy, yes, we have.  It's in a little church right down the road from our house.  It has a good reputation and I observed a class last month.  Everyone was nice and polite and spoke proper English (no double negatives and good subject/verb agreement - which is hard to get around here!) 

Flower.

Frosty.

 Sidewalk chalk art by Zoey!

Snail.

Snail.

It's almost like she has a halo....    ;)

 I hope you have enjoyed our little driveway art show.  Have a happy day!

Here's a little extra for Tracy and Mom...  recognize that Bunny?!?  She's now a prized member of Zoey's crew.