Big Questions

Sunday night.  Many things are happening in this world of ours... It's been nearly one year (almost to the day) of my last entry.  Truthfully, I've been thinking about blogging again for a while, a long while.  I need to get back to my thoughts in a manner that takes some time, a little creativity, and a smidge of accountability.  I have yet to get to any of those...  err, make myself try any of those... until right now. 

Important moment here that might get lost...  in my brain, in this overcomplicated world, in this fast-fast-hurry-up-and-wait instant social media world... 

I put Zoey to bed (late because we got home late from Sun Valley and still gave her a bath)....
We did our nightly bedtime routine, minus Daddy's part since he is out of town....
I sat down at the computer to pay bills...
She asked me to come back...

Sweet Zoey, six years old, is obviously tired and over-thinking (a family trait)...
She asks me, "When will the world end?"
Followed by "When everybody goes to heaven, what happens here?"
....
I guess I told her I wasn't really sure....

Zoey: "Like will it all be dust here?"

oh boy.... 

If John were here I'm pretty sure he'd have a much more refined response.  At least he would say it with confidence.  He's good with heavy things... 

We talked about a few little things (me, not wanting to dismiss her, but truthfully not wanting to make anything too concrete because I just don't know...and that's ok...) BUT I also realize she just needs her mind eased to let herself go to sleep.

We talk of love and beauty.  Friends and family.  What we like to do.  Finding our purpose (like the Cutie Mark Crusaders)... and how this world and heaven are both awesome places.  Nothing too intense...  I lightened up the mood with talking about what we might do tomorrow  (Visit the airport! she said.  I added eat lunch there and watch for planes - they usually land around lunchtime.  She made sure to tell me if she didn't like the food...  we'd just try something else.)

All of this in less than 10 minutes....  But I can't stop thinking about it. 

Her mind is amazing! 

And, personally....selfishly, all of the fears of parenting surface:  Am I doing enough for her?  Spending enough time?  Quality time?  Am I managing my own stress away from her?  Am I too much involved?  Where is the balance?  I know she feels love.  Is that enough?

I just need to take my own advice and...  stop over thinking. 

Big questions. 
Simple enough answer...  go to bed. 


but there are still those pesky bills to pay....  ;)

The question.

Tonight after Zoey's bath, prayers, and another chapter from "Adventure Cat goes to School,"  the kitties curled up on her bed with us and we just lying there.  Talking some...  about our kitties.  About other kitties.  About our day at Grandma's for our third of four Christmases this year.  About how we must smell like Calico (the cat at Grandma's).  She told me about playing with Delia and Calico in Grandpa Stan's room.

Then it happened.

She asked the question I can't answer.

"Where is Grandpa Stan?  I haven't seen him in a long time."

I felt like I was kicked in the gut.  Literally...  My gut sank in.  The tears welled up.

"Well..."  I said.  (Thoughts about ...he was sick...  he died...  no, no, that's not it...  ummm...  ummm... She's four.  Don't scare her.)

"Do your teachers talk about heaven in school?"  (Of course they do...  they had a birthday party for Jesus the week before Christmas....)

"Yes," she said.

"What do they tell you?"  and she proceeded to sign and sing a song about heaven.  She showed me the signs.

I could have left it at that...  not really answering her...  but I couldn't.

"Well, that's where Grandpa Stan is...  in heaven."

"Why?" she said...

(Oh boy...)

"Because it was his time to go be with God,"  I said through the tears - trying to hold myself together.

Then we continued to talk about it...  sort of.

I said I missed him and asked if she missed him.  She said No.  That she was happy he was with God and wondered if he was a "siple"...

"A disciple?" I asked.  And she proceeded to sing another song - that I'm not so sure she was sure of the words.... because I couldn't quite catch them.

She asked about my tears.  I really couldn't say much.  Just tried to make it through...  not get too blubbery and hoped not to get her crying.  (She tends to cry whenever I do.)

But she didn't cry.

We just kinda layed there, next to each other...  with the kitties. 

I'm not so good with this stuff...  not good with death or religion or anything. 

But thinking back on this...  I am simply in awe of my sweet little girl.  Four and a half years old...  she remembers so much.  She feels so much.  Is so loving and kind.  so sweet. 

Through the tears, I am blessed.

Daddy, I love you.  I miss you.  You are forever with us. 

Three hours different.

My watch reads two minutes to seven, in the morning... My tablet reads 9:58 a.m.... I'm not in any alternative universe, not really. I'm Arizona. It's wedding season and I am prepping for my first one this year. My cousin Amanda is thing the knot this evening at The Biltmore. Mom and I flew in yesterday. We were invited to join the bridal party and out of towners at the rehearsal dinnr last night. That was fun. We ate at the groom's favorite pizza and beer (and wine) joint. Joey said it reminded him of any and all hot it's in West Virginia. Red and white checkered tablecloths. Beer posters on the wall. Very much a place I could hang out and eat some pizza! The food was tasty. The people so happy to be involved with wedding loveliness. Mom and I had been running since before 7 a.m. (East coast time)... So by the time we made it back to the hotel, we were so tired.... We were running on fumes and almost a second wind. I finally went to bed at nearly 11, AZ time.... Woke up at 4:30... And tried to get some more sleep... Not so much. But that's not the fun of ::RIGHT NOW:: ::waving at a sock-footed Uncle Eddie as he walks into the lobby for our hot breakfast. He looks pleasantly surprised to see me (egg plate, now empty). ::observing the middle aged couple one table over. Lady in green workout apparel. Man in dress clothes (matching green tie). She reads the front page. He reads the money section. ::paused to chat with Eddie. He has picked up a complementary razor (a sweet triple blade, mind you). Perhaps I need one too! ;) ::Mom has arrived. We eat. Finish with a pastry...I am on vacation, you know. ::debating second pastry. ::drinking decaf. First tea. Now coffee. Saving the caffeine jolt (and subsequent dancing jitters) for closer to wedding time. ::Johnny has just introduced me to the fact that the bacon has been replaced with sausage.... Score! More breakfast meats! ;) ::figuring out what it means that for the last 24 hours I have wanted a fancy phone (and possibly a twitter account?,) to post real-time happenings. WHAT?! Have I lost my mind? ::I figure I need to get out more. ;) ::need to join reality again. And grab some sausage. And another pastry! Xoxo

Breaks my heart.

These pictures are from back in February.  ..Back when Zoey was so sick.  Sick for two weeks.  It was awful. She and I ended up sleeping in the living room with the couches pushed together.  Was that for her or me?  It doesn't really matter which now.

I wasn't too keen on taking pictures of her during this time or even wanting to post/look at what I did take...  But as I said a few weeks ago...  This is another moment here at the Manor.  One that took much out of all of us.  One from which we are grateful to have moved on...

Having a child is difficult at times.  It is also greatly wonderful and rewarding.  I thank God everyday for my beautiful and healthy little girl.  Literally. Every. Day.  I pray for health.  I pray for strength.  I ask God and the Universe to guide me. 

Never in my past have I been a person to talk about my views on faith, spirituality or ever religion.  Never, that is, until I met John... and then still very rarely...  Now, that I have had a child...Now, that I have given birth, created a miracle, literally lived and breathed for a tiny soul... Well, it's a bit easier for me to trust in something bigger than me. 

I'm also in a place in my life where I am ok to ask for help.  (It's still really hard!)  Praying is asking for help.  Help from God, from my inner soul, from the Universe, from a collective soul.  I truly believe all of those "things" are around us to help and guide. 

Road to recovery:  I knew Miss Z was starting to get better when she wandered around the kitchen, saw the angel food cake that Grandma had made for her, and insisted she have a piece.  :) 

I hadn't intended for this post to take on such a turn of subject matter.  I suppose it is the root of the photos.  Our whole family and friends were collected in thoughts of love for the time Zoey was not feeling well.  Through struggles with taking medications... our intensive "training" in suppositories.  Through worried tepid baths filled with toys and tears (mostly mine).  And the countless hours of watching cartoons on the couch...  We were all focused on "getting through."  I will never forget that we did make it through.  Instead of calling out in help or in times of need, I'm staying as true as I can daily.  Gratitude, yo!  ;)

I realize that I may sound dramatic.  I don't take any of this lightly.  But I also do not take any one else's struggles lightly.  I know many people that have had sick children (even friends that have lost children).  I think of them too.  But here, I can write about my own experiences. Lessening no one elses.

Writing...now....

I have a need to write.  Yes, I do.  But I haven't done it.  I haven't written - much of anything - in a long time.  No blog posts.  Many fewer FB status updates.  No stories.  No book ideas.  Not even so much as a list in a very long time.  WHAT?! you say...  "No LISTS?!?"  Yep, I haven't even gotten to the store with a list in weeks. 

So, here I sit.  Zoey's napping.  I'm trying to get my head together from a morning that I didn't really expect.  (No story there, so don't bother asking.)  DOOL is on in the background.  I can't even sit still to watch that anymore.  I'm "lucky" lately that Zoey has been napping during this time so I can get my fill of "my stories" as Grandpa would say... but eh... bleh...  it's just so...  not where my mind is...  not even where my mind wants to vacation these days.

I want to be outside...  or at least I like the idea of being outside.  I'm not at all interested in being outside in this almost-spring weather.  Nosirree!  I want SUN and a slight breeze.  Here in the Valley that perfect weather might last all of one week.  Two if I embrace the muddy grass on one side of that week or the blazing heat of the week after.  That's how it is here.  ...Ok, not really.  It just feels that way right now as I sit and stare out at my muddy yard. 

I did have the windows open this morning - at least part way.  That was refreshing. 

...On to other writing news...
I have some pictures in the "queue" here.  waiting.  to go up on the ol' blog.  They are from when Zoey was so sick a few weeks ago.  I want to post them because they are a memory here - a moment.  But they are so sad to me.  I just want to have some other things to buffer my loooong absence here before throwing those pictures up.  (Ok, so maybe I'll do it tonight.) 

My sweet friend, Crysta, has given up Facebook for Lent.  (You may have seen her posts show up on my blogroll.)  I thought about giving something up.  Not because I'm religious at. all.  But I am surrounded by people that are either Catholic, religious, or simply like to do what everyone is talking about doing... so I did think about it.  Then thought that didn't jive with me to just give up something because it's "time" to try the sacrifice.  Although I do like Crysta's views on the whole thing.  Check her bloggie blog out, if you wish.

I view my spiritual connections a bit differently than many I have met.  So, I'm using this Lenten season to keep gratitude in my heart and voiced frequently - everytime I think about someone giving up something special to them for 40 days (or see them actively not having that mocha or pastry or whatever), I try to think of those things and people in my life that make my life so special.  Thank you!  Thank you! Thank you!  and thank YOU!  I'm not going to post a picture of my gratitude.  I'm not going to write every thankful thought out for the world to see.  At least not now.  I have seen various forms of a "gratitude" project out there in the internet world...  Most do make me stop and think.  (I'm sure that's the point.)  But I have yet to be moved to do one myself - at least publicly.  I'm simply going to try to stay thankful in my heart and when I'm so moved to do so on here or there or there... It'll be that much grander to me.

....I've been told I need to write something, anything, every day.  I'm working on that...  Maybe I'll keep this going with a list.  Perhaps a happy list... like all the places in my house I could actually put live flowers/plants where the cats won't eat them!  Hmmm.... 


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I think that list might be too short to count.  ;)