"Yes, Annelle, I pray..."
Since having a child, my views about God have -not necessarily changed - but have become clearer. a little bit. I have always been a person that believes in ...something... I was just not sure exactly what or whom or how to define that something. (Ok, so I still struggle with this concept... or at least still wonder/wander.)
Since getting pregnant and having Zoey. Laboring naturally, delivering as naturally as one can within a hospital setting... feeling the miracle of life, watching the people around me during such a magical time... seeing, holding, smelling, truly feeeeling my child, my baby, my heart outside of my body... all of that has made me know for sure. for sure. that there is an eternal wisdom. there is a Holy Spirit. Yes, I have made the leap to say "God."
I still believe in spirits and nature and imagination and love and more... I think I'm confortable now with my own vision of God. And I'm fairly certain he's ok with me. :)
.....
I have eluded to the "
worst 24 hours" of my life in past posts, but never really explained. On May 19th, 2010 Zoey suffered a seizure. The resulting 24 hours... days... months at this point... was heartbreaking and scary. They have also helped me learn to love more deeply and cherish each precious moment.
They also helped to direct my thoughts about what I truly believe. (Especially after this past week.) I'm sure that's terrible to say, but also quite positive that's exactly how many begin the journey.
If you don't know about febrile seizures, the quick and dirty is that they are caused by fevers. They are usually only seen in young children and babies. Most (if not all) children grow out of them. In May, we were told that since Zoey was older when she experienced her seizure (she was 23 months as opposed to say, 6 months), that it would be very rare that she would ever have another one.
Last Sunday evening around 6 p.m., she had another one.
John and I knew it was going to happen. The pattern was the same... mild 99 degree fever in the morning/early afternoon, sluggish behavior... baby getting hotter and hotter...
This time we gave her Tylenol at 2 p.m - went for a drive (seriously, I didn't think another "bad episode" was even plausable)...when we came back, her temp was higher. We tried to give her Ibuprofin, she violently refused. I nursed her to calm her down. She nursed for nearly 45 mins - not average, by any means in the afternoon.
I told John she was getting really hot and we HAD to get the meds in her. He knew it too. He had wanted to force meds earlier. We forced. She threw up - everything. We ran to take her to the shower - John stripped down to his unders and she violently refused to get in (the little shower has a door and she hung on...) We decided to try water in the kitchen. We saw her start to leave us...
John said, "It's going to happen again."
I started to freak. He was right.
Her stare went blank and John went to lay her down on the carpet. He said, "Get Larry, he's in the back yard." Larry is our neighbor. He's the local Sherriff. He's a nice guy that has known John's family since he was one or so. He has grandkids - one, Cameron, was born on John's birthday - just months older than Zoey. Zoey loves them.
I ran to get him - arms flailing - as they did two months earlier.
The seizure this time was MUCH less dramatic than the first. Probably only a few seconds - no rigidity as before. But I was still scared. The damn doctors told me that it wasn't likely to happen ever again. and now, here it is two months later!
I called the squad and we went to the ER. Miss Zoey was tired from the seizure, but looked as good as one could expect. John arrived shortly. Just behind him was Grandma Joyce. Last time, I was strapped to the geurney with Zoey and Joyce rode with us.
This time we knew what to expect from the situation, but I was still so raw from being told it wouldn't happen again... We knew to ask for the IV therapy team (to avoid having her stuck twice). The same lady that did the blood draws last time was there this time. Thank God! She remembered us and we remembered what to do: wrap Z's legs to avoid kicking, stick right hand (our girl is a lefty). This time I ended up singing to her as her blood was drawn and a hep-loc added. I have no idea what I was singing. It just happened. I think I was making up a song - of encouragement - mostly for myself, I figure. I think, however, it pretty much helped everyone there at that moment. The nurses actually thanked us (me and Joyce) for our help in the situation.
Her tests came back clear this time. Last time, Zoey was admitted into the Peds ward because she had elivated white cell levels and a whole mess of other things in her urine and blood. Neither time could anyone give us an answer to "Why?" Most likely it was a virus - both times.
Our family doc was on vacation this week and so we ended up taking Zoey to the Pediatrician that had seen her in the hospital the day after she was admitted. That doctor was so very nice to us in the hospital, we felt comfortable taking Zoey there. That is until after telling her how hard it was to get Zoey to take any medicine this time. We were asking for help, for suggestions on how to give her the meds to keep the fever down. (We had driven back to the ER at 2 in the morning because we couldn't get her to take the meds - by love or by force - and were afraid she'd seize agian. The ER staff was amazing and helped us. This Ped doc was all..."don't stress her out, just let her seize." WHAT!?
This philosophy, while understandable now that we have read EVERYTHING possible about febrile seizures, was still unacceptable to us. If giving the kid a dose of Children's Advil every six hours would not hurt her stomach or liver or anything AND would keep her from seizing, by damn, that's what we're gonna do. The doc gave us no advice or help - simply left the room to get us some more paperwork to read. Gee, thanks.
I scheduled the appointment that afternoon at the time that would be the next dose - so I could get a nurse or someone to help me.... but NOOOO! We got more paperwork saying "Chill out, yo!" Umm, again, thanks. John and I simply tried to ask Zoey to take her meds. "You can do it by yourself." And she was just distracted enough by the facy-schmancy room that she did. :)
This time her fever lasted until Thursday... Yep, five days. FIVE. All of the kiddo medications bottles say "...if symptoms last longer than three..." the internet says "...lasts longer than four..." One of John's friends has a kid (18 or 19 years old now) that just recovered from a "five-day fever." He stayed in bed the whole time and felt sluggish, but no other signs. That news did make us feel a bit better about it all.
We kept dosing our little kiddo with meds. ...Here, we are the parents that would rather mix up some herbs or line the window sill with crystals (simply colorful examples here, folks! but you get the picture... we shy away from the traditional medicines)... watching the clock, taking her temperature (and our own, to make sure the digital temperal thermometer was indeed still working) and mixing up Zoey's "Moon Juice."
Yep, the moon was our saving grace this trip around the ol' sickness tree. Zoey loves the moon (it is the "planet" that reigns over Cancerians, too). After trying many different approaches to med delivery... we tried mixing it with juice...and tried many different ways to get her to drink said juice... Then John told her the moon really wanted her to drink her juice. And with that, her eyebrows met her forehead with a gasp! She was super excited to impress the moon and once she drank it all we took her outside to say goodnigh to the moon. That worked every night. :)
So, here it is one week later. Sweet Zoey is taking a nap. We've been worried about her every moment this week. You see, much to the exact OPPOSITE of what we were told the first time this happened... kids that suffer a febrile seizure once are more likely to have another one... Zoey is now "prone" to them. They don't cause permanent brain damage (even though one set of papers the ER sent us home with mentioned said brain damage - yeah, thanks, f**kers.)
I didn't write anything after the first one for many reasons... time passed...I didn't feel the need to post such intimate details. On that note, I've realized this blog is a story about my life. And whether anyone reads it or not...whether anyone finds what I say to be compelling or thoughtful, needless or absurd, it doesn't matter. I'll have this record on which to reflect in years to come. -The good moments and the not so good. I can't sit down and recall every powerful moment of the last week... the last few months... but every little snipet that makes it onto this blog will help me remember and hopefully make a rich picture for Zoey someday. :)
This little pic was taken one morning when Dad tried to take an apple with him out the door on his way to work. Tried - because Z wanted that apple. And she ate it. I had given her apple pieces before, but never with the peel. I made her sit down and she chomped away happily (watching Super Why, I'm sure.) I thought she would lose interest quickly. After she had eaten half (including peel), I decided to take the rest of the peel off and cut up what was left. And she ate that too! 