The question.

Tonight after Zoey's bath, prayers, and another chapter from "Adventure Cat goes to School,"  the kitties curled up on her bed with us and we just lying there.  Talking some...  about our kitties.  About other kitties.  About our day at Grandma's for our third of four Christmases this year.  About how we must smell like Calico (the cat at Grandma's).  She told me about playing with Delia and Calico in Grandpa Stan's room.

Then it happened.

She asked the question I can't answer.

"Where is Grandpa Stan?  I haven't seen him in a long time."

I felt like I was kicked in the gut.  Literally...  My gut sank in.  The tears welled up.

"Well..."  I said.  (Thoughts about ...he was sick...  he died...  no, no, that's not it...  ummm...  ummm... She's four.  Don't scare her.)

"Do your teachers talk about heaven in school?"  (Of course they do...  they had a birthday party for Jesus the week before Christmas....)

"Yes," she said.

"What do they tell you?"  and she proceeded to sign and sing a song about heaven.  She showed me the signs.

I could have left it at that...  not really answering her...  but I couldn't.

"Well, that's where Grandpa Stan is...  in heaven."

"Why?" she said...

(Oh boy...)

"Because it was his time to go be with God,"  I said through the tears - trying to hold myself together.

Then we continued to talk about it...  sort of.

I said I missed him and asked if she missed him.  She said No.  That she was happy he was with God and wondered if he was a "siple"...

"A disciple?" I asked.  And she proceeded to sing another song - that I'm not so sure she was sure of the words.... because I couldn't quite catch them.

She asked about my tears.  I really couldn't say much.  Just tried to make it through...  not get too blubbery and hoped not to get her crying.  (She tends to cry whenever I do.)

But she didn't cry.

We just kinda layed there, next to each other...  with the kitties. 

I'm not so good with this stuff...  not good with death or religion or anything. 

But thinking back on this...  I am simply in awe of my sweet little girl.  Four and a half years old...  she remembers so much.  She feels so much.  Is so loving and kind.  so sweet. 

Through the tears, I am blessed.

Daddy, I love you.  I miss you.  You are forever with us.