Stolen moments.

"...when we walked in fields of gold...."

Zoey is finally down for a nap and I am sipping coffee while listening to Pandora Radio and looking out at the beauty that is this afternoon. I am in awe of how the days can differ - how things can change in a moment.

Yesterday was cooler, looked as if it would rain all day... Almost sad. Sad, if you were someone who wished for more summer. Not sad at all for me. A period of reflection... Fall to come. School starting. Newness on the horizon. I loved the cool. I loved wrapping Zoey up on me, long pants and sweaters to come.

Cool?! heheh... I think it the average was still in the 70s. But my mind didn't care. It *felt* like fall was coming. And that's all that mattered.

Today is bright and cheery and could be summer again. However, my new back yard is shrouded in trees and only a patchwork of sunlight. The leaves here have started to change - in a way. The trees are covered with GREEN, but my yard is starting to get covered in yellows and browns. If I were a scientist, I could tell you why some leaves change early, fall early - I'm sure it's perfectly simple. Like making room for others to grow or, like in our lives, some just go early.

Oh, my, that was tinged in sadness... I didn't mean to do that. My mind, however, has been full of thoughts of sadness lately. -In spite of all that is beautiful and right in my life right now.

Aunt Josephine died last week. She was my Grandmother's sister-in-law. She lived in Columbus and (as her obit said) was an "avid Buckeye fan." She was a woman full of life and always smiling. She and Uncle Ed came to our wedding (Some of the very few extended family that we could afford to invite.) She had been suffering from Alzheimer's in her last years. I believe it more apt to say that Uncle Ed was the one suffering the most. Watching her fade away.

As it is when anyone I know passes, it makes me think of those closest to me. I am living in a denial of sorts about them. On both my side and John's. No one takes as good care of themselves as they should - neither do we. Stress, Depression, Weight, Bad Habits... all silently weigh on my mind. I can barely talk to my mom on the phone these days without one or both of us crying. And I haven't had a real conversation with my father for years. It takes a serious problem for any of us to see a doctor. (And many of us NEVER see a doctor no matter how badly it hurts.) It is upsetting. I worry that my poor father, stuck in his own private hell, has a ticking time bomb inside... Heart, Sugar, and imes... I even fear he wants to end it himself, but knows that would be too selfish and would never knowingly hurt us.

I worry about my mother and mother-in-law, always helping others and never themselves. Stress is my mother's worst enemy. She's always there for everyone else, but it's so hard for her to ask for help from others. I totally see that in myself too. She'd bend over backwards to help a friend with a project, but can't release control over her own projects to others for a break. That's totally me. --No one else could do it the way I could!-- and so on...

My mother-in-law has at least tried to stop smoking. I am so proud of what she has done, but can't help but want more for her. We are all struggling with demons. I wish I could help them all.

I want my family to be here for Zoey... for me, for John. John and I are trying so hard to make a good life. We probably are trying too hard at times. I told him the other night that I could see a path to work on the problems of our various family members. I could see a way out - logical steps... so clearly a beginning... Do others see that about what makes me crazy? My fears, my stresses, my "problems"? Do others have a plan for me and, like me, are too afraid to tell them?

Would I even listen?

We all have to walk our own paths, I realize. But I rips me up inside to watch my family not live as happily and healthily as they could.

I had no idea that that was so on the top of my mind this afternoon... I suppose it always is in there. I suppose it's because I rarely sit down to be alone with my own head. Zoey naps, and I probably should do bills or clean! But I instead I indulge myself in writing.

I'm sorry, dear readers, that I have no pictures for you today... Most of the pictures are on the other computer... still at the old house. and I have no photoshop software onb this laptop to make current pix small enough to post. Forgive me.

I'll make it up to you.

On that note, Zoey is stirring... Funny how, I was wrapping up to go be "productive" and she wakes up. I suppose that's God's way of telling me I am "productive" every moment that I spend with my beautiful child.

Hug someone you love today!!
Mama Miller