A Mama Moment in Weaning

**Note: I have been in the "process" of weaning Zoey for...  months?... now.  I think about it.  I read about it.  John and I talk about it.  I talk to others about it.  I try this and that...  So, this post may seem out of the blue or strange to read to some, but I assure you this isn't a new thing.  I just haven't felt compelled to write about it until now.

It’s a Monday night. I just put Zoey to bed. It’s a bittersweet moment. I just put her to bed…without nursing. at. all. She hasn’t nursed since last night and that was even short. Last night, she stopped mid-nurse and said she wanted to read a story. I told her if we stopped to read a story, we would go to bed right after the story. She agreed. And she did. She went to bed, no tears – no worries.

Tonight, I thought I’d try the same maneuver... “forget” to read a story, stop mid nurse… easy peasy. Well, she asked for the story “Me and My Mom!” I actually like that book. I still tried to “forget.” No stopping this girl… She asked for the Princess book. So, okay… weaning takes time… I wasn’t going to make this stressful. We read the Ariel story out of the Princess book. Then she asked again for “Me and My Mom!”

I said if we read the book now, she’d go to bed afterward. She didn’t flinch. Hesitantly, I asked if she’d rather nurse. She preferred the book. I said we could read it and she’d go to bed right after we finished it. She was cool with it.

My heart sunk a bit… I picked up the book and as we read the title, I thought… could this be it? Could I have weaned this beautiful sweet baby girl without pomp and circumstance? I almost cried. I almost pulled out my breast to “have one last time” to really be present in the moment of nursing my baby. I’m almost crying just thinking about it.

I pulled myself together and thought… eh, the way things work here, she’ll probably go back to the old way tomorrow night – just go with it – I can have my moment then. But I as I read that story about a baby bear cub and her mom… oh, how I lingered with the words and snuggled with my sweet Zoey. We “Grrrowled” together. We counted the fish. We wiggled and shook the water off of our bear backs… And then I got up and put her in the crib.

The biggest difference was trying to find the blankets in the dark – not having our eyes adjusted by sitting, nursing in the dark beforehand. We talked about it. We found our blankets. We said our “Good nights” and our “I Love Yous.”

I walked out of the room.

My heart is still a bit sunken deeply into my chest right now. No one knows what tomorrow’s bedtime routine will be.

In any case… I’ll have to take my own advice. …I told my friend, Addie, today on Facebook (after she was lamenting not having gone to get the video camera to record some moment she had witnessed with her son)… that she should be happy she was there, LIVING the moment with him and didn’t miss it because she had run to get the camera. Isn’t that what is really the most important thing? Living, being IN the moment…. Even if somehow last night turned out to be THE night, THE night I weaned my sweet baby girl, well, I will always remember that the very next night – tonight - I held her close and we read “Me and My Mom!” before she went to sleep.